Lifestyles and Tribulations of a Caterpillar

The words were an inaudible drone in a supposedly understandable language. Each word devoid of emotion, each word degenerated to a cold collection of letters. The middle aged man, paunch with a gut that was ill-hidden by a dull green sweater, spoke with little care, so much so his words slurred. He moved with a languor that even a sloth would be repulsed by, and with shoulders hunched he wrote numbers and drew crooked shapes on the black board. The fat man then opened his mouth revealing yellow teeth and a tongue covered in a thick yellow paste, he then let loose more of his foreign babble.

“sedoma astrogabam teleisonaf….”

The boy stared at the man blankly. He had the side of his head resting on his arm, and the rest of his body firmly slouched on a desk. He stared at the fat man’s peculiar features, particularly at the old man’s red nose and how it contrasted with the pale face, also how it neatly sat on a bushy caterpillar like moustache. The more he stared the more the moustache seemed to come alive, as if it was alive.

The boy noticed that the bushy beast started to shake ever so slightly, as if it was awakening from a slumber. Then suddenly it wriggled its self to wake up. The boy was shocked but his face didn't show it. He continued to watch intently as the insect let of a yawn and then a few expletives, in a voice that was squeaky to a human’s ear but deep and Barry White like to a caterpillar’s. The caterpillar was suddenly alive with energy crawling around the fat man’s face with an enviable freedom. It crawled to one ear and entered it to then come out of the other. It then crawled up to the top of the fat man’s thinning head, and then rolled down to the chin giggling in its Barry White caterpillar voice. The furry beast then crawled up to the fat man’s face, past the fat man’s nose, which he gave a middle finger to, and then to the eyebrows.

The eyebrows were just as bushy and even somehow contained crumb remnants of the fat man’s breakfast. The caterpillar then suddenly jumped on top of an eye brow and began to ferociously mate with it. With each thrust it let of a wild squeak. This went on for 10 seconds, which is 30 seconds in caterpillar years. Disappointed with the services provided by the eyebrow the caterpillar slapped the eyebrow on what seemed to be the arse and then did a running jump off the fat man’s nose. The horny bug landed next to the fat man’s worn out brown loafers, which had an ominous smell of egg, dog poo and a hint of vinegar. It acrobatically landed in a ball and rolled a few feet and then uncurled onto its back.

The boy’s eyes followed the critter with bemusement, he watched closely as the little insect tried to roll and get onto its back, and each time it failed. The boy was enthralled, so much so he failed to notice the blood supply to his arm being cut off by his rested head. A mild sense of pins and needles was going to be the order of the day. Finally with one last push the caterpillar was able to roll itself back on to its front. It followed with a few seconds of wheezing and coughing out phlegm. After the whole ordeal was over it adjusted its crotch region and headed over towards a desk populated by a girl who looked equally as bored as the boy. This girl was a thing of beauty, the Holy Grail of teenage wet dreams. With legs that defied physics because they never-ended, an arse so plump and juicy that Sir Mix-alot would cower in awe, and two breasts that were so perfect that they attainted sentient consciousness and occasional conversed about abstract poetry.

As the multi-legged fiend waddled towards the damsel he whistled the Great Escape. The boy was forced to move his head a centimetre to see, an action that almost required too much effort. The furry critter then jumped onto the girl’s sandaled foot and pulled its self up the manicured toes. There was no horrendous odour belonging to this foot, for this foot was the foot of a Goddess who created many a tent in young boy’s pants, so it had to of smelt nice. The horny creature then slowly climbed the leg that was so smooth it would make baby’s bottoms cry in envy. The lustful insectoid carried on up and up and up, till it reached the edge of the girl’s denim mini skirt. It then slowly turned and looked at the boy and gave a menacing laugh, kissed the girl’s thigh and then made a gesture that conveyed an all too true message that the boy was a wanker. The boy just carried on staring without showing any emotion but on the inside he was hurt, because he knew the caterpillar was about to embark on an adventure that he’d kill for.

“CAYDSIAL! GOSSDAVAB! YATSFAB!”

The boy quickly sat up and looked at the fat man who was frothing at the mouth and staring at him. He looked around at all the other bored young faces that were at looking at the scene. He then turned to look at the fat man with the look of a terrified deer that was stuck in front of a moving car’s head lights.

“Toghat! Igias what is the answer to gobaligook!” The teacher became more livid, and one with a keen perception could see he was perking up with sadistic excitement, some might even say it was sexual.He then raised his voice into a patronising tone that only a teacher could master.

“Louis. What would the radius be for question two? Are you even listening? Pay some bloody attention! Now please tell me what the radius is?!”The boy just looked dumbfounded and swore under his breath. As he gawked at the teacher he could have sworn he saw the caterpillar on the teacher’s face wink at him.