Stories of a Failed Wet Dream

Comedic short story.....feedback would be mucho appreciated....other than comments on my grammar....I know it isn't the best!

Alexa Chung stared at Louis behind her sleek black rimmed glasses and ordered the student to stay for detention. The boy didn’t give a damn and shrugged his shoulders. The classroom emptied and it was just the two of them alone. Alexa Chung with in her fashionista glory, wore an ensemble that was so vicarious that it could cure any impotent men of their flaccid-ousity.

“So what are we going to do with you Louis? You continually disrupt the class and you have no respect for authority. You don’t study, your test scores are pathetic and you don’t even participate in class!?”

Louis slouched back on his desk chair and ignored the teacher, the fight between a mini leprechaun and an equal sized Muhammad Ali on his desk top was far too interesting to miss out.

“Why don’t you care Louis?” the teacher sighed. Suddenly the classroom door was kicked off its hinges with such force that it flew into the adjacent wall and broke into hundreds of little pieces. A fat balding cigar smoking man walked through. He donned a white vest, which had numerous stains ranging from mustard, ketchup, and crusty dry semen. His fat hairy belly hung over his belt which barely fastened his jeans, which looked like they were crying from such undue physical strain.

“Git over ‘ere Alexa. You don’t belong in no schoo! You best git back t’ the kitchin you ‘ear!” He plodded over to her and then readjusted his crotch, which even had flies hovering over it.
“NO! I told you to fuck off Cletus!” she hissed back at him. Cletus spat out his cigar and went right up in her face, and then stared her down. The femme fatale turned her head in disgust as she smelt the putrid stench of alcohol mixed with stale milk from his breath. Suddenly with the quickness of a Shaolin Monk he back handed her across the face and she dropped to the ground like a house of cards.
“Now I told you best git back to ma kitchin and make me some fucking pie, women! You ma wife which mean you mine!” Cletus then picked his now wailing wife up by the hair with one fat hairy arm till her feet were dangling off the floor, making her scream in pain.

The fat yokel felt a tap on his shoulder. He dropped his wife and turned around. “You better stop what you’re doing mate and fuck off. Otherwise I am going to make you look more battered than a cheap hooker’s fanny after a Friday night!” It was Louis. His words echoed with a confidence that shook the fat redneck to the core. Cletus quickly shook the feeling off. After all he thought it was just a kid.

“You gunna regret that kid!” Cletus swung his fists with the speed of a living Bruce Lee, but the teenager easily dodged with simple side steps. “Too slow fat man!” Louis quickly threw a jab to the man’s face and then let loose a serious of devastating combinations. Left hook, right hook, punch to the kidney, punch to the other kidney, roundhouse punch, roundhouse kick, kick to the shin, kick to the side of the head, and then he crouched to the floor and did a flying uppercut into the redneck’s balls. The man went flying into the air. The teen then pulled back and held his hands together, creating a ball of energy.

“KA-MEH-HA-MEH-HA!” the teenager shouted and the ball of energy was let loose at Cletus, who was still being catapulted from the previous blow. The energy ball hit the stench ridden man in the stomach and sent him flying through the ceiling and into the night sky, never to be seen again. Louis then walked to his awe struck teacher and pulled her and held her close to him. He stared deeply into her eyes, and she into his. He then passionately kissed her and…

Music was being played, music so horrendous that it would make elevator music cringe in embarrassment. The abysmal tunage seeped into the boy’s ears. Louis half opened his eyes whilst letting out a zombie-fied moan “Reeergh. Bleeergh. Bluck. Alexa, urgh!” The truth dawned onto him, it was the dreaded satanic symphony of terror, it was the alarm clock on his phone for school. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! He quickly stumbled for his mobile phone at his bed side. He grabbed the device and mashed every button on it till such horrific sounds were no more.

The teen was frantic to get back to his sleep that he turned onto his front but realised his teenage morning wood made him pirouette instead in such a position. FUCK! So he quickly turned onto his side and closed his eyes in hopes he could get back to the fantasy where his beloved Ms Chung waited. The teenager started to see Alexa again. She was holding a seductive smile, a smile that evoked more about sex than even a porno ever could…

“WAKE UP! You’re late!”
The boy couldn’t believe it. He was so close, yet so far. A short elderly woman with big round glasses, that made her look bug eyed, had swung Louis’s bedroom door open. She had the look of a nice old lady but the demeanour of a demon that would rip your head off and then use it as the shitter. She walked in and went straight for the curtains and ripped them open with a snarling ferocity. She then stood there with her hands on her hips, with her mouth frothing as if she had rabies. The boy could barely acknowledge her existence, for he was still mortified about Alexa.

“I said wake up! You have school! That’s all you do is sleep, eat, and shit. Wake up you lazy, you lazy…. I SAID WAKE UP!” The banshee howled.The boy sighed in defeat and was about to pull his duvet off and get up, when he realised there was a slight problem, he was still harder than a 12 year old discovering internet porno for the first time. He slipped further under the duvet and shouted at his mum to go away. The frenzied women stared at the ill hidden teen and then began her verbal onslaught again.
“You have school! YOU WILL BE LATE! Don’t you care? You care about nothing at all, you lazy piece of shit!” The badgering continued, expletives, degradations of the boy’s capabilities as a man, and how much every other teenage boy in the world was better than him. The boy couldn’t take it anymore. He lost his opportunity to have coitus with the girl of his dreams in his dreams, and now he was getting insulted on all fronts by a berserker woman who would have given Boudicca a run for her money.

“WILL YOU FUCK OFF!” he screamed.
Then there was silence. Louis couldn’t believe he let those words slip out of his mouth, sweat escaped every pore and all he could hear under his duvet was the women’s slow heavy breathing. The boy could sense that he’d be lucky enough to escape this situation with one bollock, let alone two. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit. Suddenly like a flash of lightening his mother ripped the covers off him, and the boy saw the women’s face, mangled with fury and the need to spill blood. Then something that no man should ever experience happened, something so horrifying that even a hardened Jedi Spartan Shaolin Monk warrior would cringe in fear, his mother’s eyes looked down…Louis was still pitching a tent.

Louis saw where his mum’s eyes went and the blood in his face drained. He knew he couldn’t hide it. He was still in a state of shock, confused to whether to be utterly humiliated or to be scared shitless. The queen of bloodlust then burst out into hysterical laughter. She laughed so hard she had to hold her sides to stop it from hurting, and she then turned around and walked out the room in fits of giggles. As she left she then said 9 words that would stick with the boy till the day he dies.

“I guess you don’t take after your father then!”

The boy looked down, and he finally saw his little’un finally began to lose its steam and shrink. He then let out a sigh.